Reflection On Mind And Heart

It's a scary thought to wake up in the morning and, dazed, hungry for morning nourishment, and lethargic, wonder what it means to make an impenetrable wall between one's mind and heart. Unfortunately, for me, I can't remember where I've read about this impenetrable wall — this wall that is necessary to achieve happiness with one's self and to feel love for all things. But, I think it's necessary to at least explore it.

Perhaps it's not a separation of the mind and heart that I really mean. What if, what I'm trying to say is a wall between the heart's clinging desires and the clarity of the rest of one's person is necessary to achieve happiness and love? I feel that that question makes more sense, and I feel I can answer that question with a confident and resounding yes.

So, it's only part of the heart that needs to be blocked. … Even that statement rings with a sour note in me. For one needs to acknowledge and accept everything that's part of their humanity as themselves, without judgment, hatred, or impatience. To simply block those emotions and thoughts, I'd imagine, can't be very healthy. Wouldn't it be easier to look at them, nod to yourself, and accept that those feelings are, right now, fact? Wouldn't it be that, after you look into one's part of the heart that holds feelings of clinging and desire — after giving that part the most open and kind and clear look — those feelings will disappear, or, at least, lessen it's grip on you?

I think that's where my reflections and meditations will end up today. Perhaps I'll find an answer to the question, perhaps I won't. But days are too special to spend them thinking, when there are parks to visit, tea to drink, and grass in which to nap.

Honesty and Openness Reflections

I woke up this morning quite relaxed and elated with waking up, though I did wish I could sleep a little longer than I have been sleeping. Last night was spent cuddling with a friend of mine who wanted some cuddling, and I wanted it too. I must say that it was relaxing and fun and full of affection to have that night happen. But that night must stay that night; I can't cling to that night, less I miss other nights, and other days, and other fun things that today has in store.

Honesty and openness are my focus this morning and this day, on my meditations and thoughts, in addition to my self love meditations. In striving for loving everyone with the love that the Lord has for all people, I feel that it is important to be honest and open to what you are feeling to everyone (who is willing to listen, of course).

Honesty and openness comes from an awareness that we all are human beings, who live in the same world, and suffer the same pains, but also enjoy the same joys. At the very base of our core we have that connection with everyone we know and don't know. These are qualities that are based on love, not on the selfish clinging on to a friend or a relative or a partner or a significant other, or based on fear and anxiety. No, through love, honesty and openness blossom, along with the fearlessness to speak frankly and honestly.

Does this mean, however, that one should blabber away everything in your thoughts to everyone? I don't know the answer yet to that question. But, I do know these two things: Make sure everyone involved is receptive to listening, and, when you do speak, speak without the pangs of anger or jealousy or hate or any other destruction.

Honesty, openness, love. They're such confusing things, and such simple things.

Meditation on Self Love

I woke up this morning without the shivers, but without a good amount of sleep. Regardless of what I want my body seems to think I should get up at the hours of six and eight in the morning. It's not a bad thing to wake up that early; oftentimes I find it nice, because I get to see the day at it's earliest, at least for me. But something told me today that I needed to do something special for myself, which I did and so I did, and it helped me a lot, I think.

Self love is something that I've struggled with for years. For the longest time in my life, possibly my whole childhood, I've grown up with the delusion that I am not lovable; that in order to attain love I must be perfect and obedient to essentially everyone around me. However, I have learned through experience that everyone is capable of being happy, and that happiness starts with loving one's self.

Happiness is not a thing gained by some outside force outside one's life. It is not gained by one's parents, one's friends, one's lovers, one's sex partners, or any other individual or thing in a person's life. Anthony De Mello, in his meditations, reveals that love is already around you and already in you, and so is happiness. You can't search for something you already have. You don't need to work for it. You don't need to do anything for it. All you have to do is see it.

It might not make sense to many people, however, that love is already there. It might not make sense to many that you do not need your lover, or your parents, or your friends, or any body or any thing to give you happiness and to feel the warmth and affection of love. But love is really and truly there; it exists in one's being, and no matter how alone you are, you are never really alone, for you can love yourself and be happy because your love and your happiness is not attached to anything else. And, through that discovery, you can love other people without selfishness, jealousy, and anger. Love cannot exist without freedom, so let us all learn how to love everyone and everything in our lives as we love the sunset, the sky, and the world around us.

This meditation, I felt compelled to write it down and share, for I felt it was the most useful thing for me to see. It's a meditation on self love, and self care, and self patience, or, at least, I think it should be called that. Everytime that I'm feeling moody, or perhaps needy, or perhaps I'm actually crying, I try to remember this meditation. While it is hard to silence my mind and heart for the exercise, it has been infinitely useful, in the short period of its conception, to my life and to my happiness.

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Start with clearing your mind of all things. Your current stressors, family problems, money problems, work problems, relationship problems, any problem at all, find a way to gently put them away for now. Let yourself feel empty for a small while; let your mind be clear as crystal, or, perhaps, as water. Stay there for a while and realise the subtlety of your mind's workings, and, very gently, for force will break it, put those aside too. Stay there for as long as you like, as long as you need, and return to that state when things get too intense.

Now, imagine two people in front of you, who are inside your now-clear mind: your happy self and your unhappy self. Your happy self is the embodiment of freedom, of love, of being happy with what you have, no matter what it is you have. Imagine those things you have anxiety over, those things that make you angry. Just watch those emotions enter and simply rebound away. The idea of your happy self, the one who will not let his happiness be affected by any other influence, and will act with sensitivity and compassion, even the actions easily charged by anxiety, anger, hate, jealousy, and other destructive thoughts.

Then, imagine your sad self. Perhaps it's yourself right now. But imagine that self distilled, your pure sadness. Your desires, attachment, and negative emotions seem to combine into this idea. Imagine he's crying, or perhaps yelling, or angry, or screaming. In any case, he is suffering from these things he tries to hold but can't. He suffers because of desiring more and also because his happiness is attached not to himself but to other things. It is imperative that you imagine this self, but don't judge this self, or be harsh at this self, or hate this self. He is you, and you must love him, as you strive to love everything in your life.

Reflect a bit, as the third person, on your ideal self and your sad self's situation. Just take the time to see both of them. Be still, and, for once, look at them. Examine the happiness in the ideal self, and the unhappiness in the sad self. Look how, come what may, the ideal self's happiness does not falter on outside influence, for he is happy with himself. That self does not need your attention right now; he has his happiness. Your sad self is the one who needs you the most.

Walk up to your sad self, the crying, angry, anxious-and-fear crazed mess. Kneel down and comb your fingers through his hair, smile at him, caress him, and hold him as any person would love to be held. Physically show him that he is loved and cared for, and is always loved and cared for, no matter what emotions he feels, or what external things have happened. Give him the affection he needs, which, because this is you, is also the affection that you need.

Lift up his chin so his eyes face yours. It might be hard to look at yourself, crying and in pain, but you must look at his eyes and do not turn away. Smile again, and tell your sad self this: Everything is alright now. Do not worry, and do not stress. I will always be here for you. When you cry, I will wipe your tears. When you're scared, I will hold your hand. When you need affection, I will hug you and kiss you and hold you close to my chest. Everything is alright, for I love you.

Then, hold yourself and comfort yourself. Be the person you need to be for yourself. Because, only when you show love to yourself can you show true love and freedom for others.

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I hope it helps other people. I know it helps me.

What I Need During A Depressive Episode

I can usually sense when I'm beginning a depressive episode. When I sense that one is beginning, I can make the steps I need to lessen the impact and continue on with my life, no matter what anxieties or insecurities I imagine to exist. The episodes still happen; the effect, however, is lessened.

It becomes difficult when I don't notice my depressive episodes until I already enter. If that ever happens, I sometimes forget to use the self-tools I possess to lessen the blow, act in strange and uncharacteristic ways, or try to retreat in any way I can.

Fortunately, I do have a group of good friends who I've explicitly asked to be my support in the occasions when I can't help myself, or forget to help myself. These notes are mainly for them, but can be for any friends of mine that wish to know ways they can help me.

This is what I need from people when I'm in a depressive episode, whether I catch myself to lessen the impact or not:

I Need People To Not Use Force

A lot of my own energy, when in a depressive episode, is utilised to simply get myself doing the things I need to do. I don't feel comfortable, and I get even more irritated and tense and emotional, when people force me to do something. This could be anything from forcing me to do something I enjoy, forcing me to work harder, or forcing me to get over myself. When I'm in an episode I'm doing the best I can and I can't do anything more than that.

I Need People To Let Me Join When Ready

I become a recluse whenever I have a depressive episode. However, this does not mean that I don't want to hang out with a group of people. I need people to give me the space I need, but I don't need people to absolutely exclude me from any activity that I might want to do. Rather, I need people to be open to letting me participate without forcing.

I Need People To Understand That I Am Not Offended At You

Again, I become a bit of a recluse. This does not mean that I hate your guts.

I Need Affection

I'm too afraid to ask for this from people, usually, because I don't want to seem clingy or needy. However, simple touches, hugs, holding, kisses, wiping away of tears, and other things like that help me significantly. I respond well to touch, and small things like this make me feel (literally) that everything is okay and everyone still likes me and that people do love me, no matter what the depressive voice inside me tells me.

I Need Reaffirmations

I tell myself all the time that things are okay, even when my heart wrenches in pain and when I vomit because of the stress of merely keeping myself normal. But it always, always helps to hear someone else tell me that things are fine. Sometimes, I might not even see things as fine. In this case, it helps me to remember that things are fine when people tell me things are fine.

I Will Understand When You Can't Deal With Me

There's a reason I have a support group and not one person to support me: I can't expect one person to be my sole help. As much as I would like a particular person (changes depending on the kind of moods) the person doesn't matter as long as the person is supportive. I won't think anything bad of anyone who cannot help me, and, when better, I will get slightly annoyed if they apologise for something that they couldn't do (because, at that time, it's something they couldn't give). I have people to help me, and I understand that people have other things to do.

I Need To Know I Am Loved And Cared For

Much of my anxieties stem from this what-if: do people really care about me? If people are helping me it's obvious that I am cared for. However, I might not know it at the time. Just be gentle and still as I'm turbulent and scary; I'll eventually get out, and I will appreciate it a lot to know that people who do support me helped me weather the storm, no matter how small.

I'll be sure to add more things I need when depressed.

Inner Conflict Turned Physical Pain

Some things are hard. Some things are very hard. But, alack, many of these things are things one needs to deal with by one's self. I'm going through that right now, as I try to re-examine my thinking, my doubts, my feelings, and what else is me. Ayn Rand said in The Fountainhead or Atlas Shrugged or one of her other books (I never really can remember) that to understand love, one must first understand I .

I'm understanding slowly and surely why I feel certain things, and I can feel that I can answer them for myself. Now, it's the time for changing them, but that's where I'm stuck. I know first-hand that trying to make something change is a bad idea. However, even just letting it change through stillness — without forcing the emotions to end but yielding to it and letting it naturally go — is a painful experience.

Yesterday evening my inner demons were just terrible to me. It's as if everything in my mind was attacking me physically. I felt sick to my stomach, threw up some blood (I think it was blood-tinged; it looked red), ached all over, and felt dizzy. Alack, telling myself that what I'm feeling is unfounded and invalid wouldn't help. Forcing myself to feel better wouldn't help either. All I could do was relax, take a breath, and be still. I can remind myself that things are truly okay. I can remind myself that it's okay to feel this pain. I can remind myself that this kind of change is normal. … All I could do was remind myself that everything is fine, and everything will be fine.

Things are still hard. I still feel pain now, and I fear that this pain will continue to course through. But in stillness, even when it hurts, I can feel my thoughts slowly dissipating from me. I still have one more obstacle though, and … and … this obstacle will be very hard for me. So very hard. But, again, it's something that I think I have to face alone, despite my tears and my pain, and despite my desire that someone will be there to brace me as I endure.

A Sense Of Peace

My boss described me, today, as someone who has a sense of peace about me. It was refreshing and nice to hear that I am making strides in becoming peaceful and natural in my life. However, it was strange to hear because my mind was definitely not at peace today.

There was too much going on, and I didn't have enough energy to accomplish my tasks and check myself today to make sure I don't over-think. Alack, though, I merely did what I had to do, and hoped and prayed that I did everything well. So far, it seems things are all fine, but I'm so drained of energy today.

I'm holding on to this wonderful comment from my boss, because this means that I have attained a level of peace and serenity before, and it is possible again and again, so long as I try. Still, trying is hard; trying is a struggle. But, hopefully, this will mean that the more I work, the more natural it will be to have serenity in my life.

For now, I just want a long hug and a movie and some good food…

Egotistical Desire

Egotistical desire. What causes it in me to have it, knowing full well the consequences?

In my life, there are many things I have made so much progress in keeping natural. Sometimes things are just slightly dull, but that's only because I'm human, and I forget about everything's natural beauty. But, in my most clear-and-empty days, I notice the cool winds flowing across my skin, tickling each follicle of hair. I notice the warm sun, and my breathing of nourishing humid air. I notice the feeling of each step onto asphalt, grasses, dirt, water. I notice the people who love me, care for me, and who want to talk with me. These simple things -- always the simple -- are the things that have brought me joy and, in those times, I couldn't fathom for asking more.

So, it's a mystery to me why I do desire for things, when I know its consequences. Impatience, fear, uncertainty; these qualities have no place in the life of an clear-and-empty person. However, it's these qualities, and everything that stems from it, that cause all of my suffering. Love becomes possessiveness; eating becomes a disorder; work becomes work; relaxing becomes a chore.

I don't believe, as Buddha has said, that Life is Suffering . There are too many good things in life to make me believe such pessimistic words. However, Desire is truly suffering.

Much of last night was filled with such distracting thoughts. My mind becomes clouded and hazy with self-administered miasma. I writhe and battle with my own body -- a futile conflict -- knowing the truth but also having to acknowledge my feelings. Sometimes I succeed and remind myself to calm down. Sometimes, my techniques fail. But, things are as things are. If I fail, I fail. If I succeed, I succeed. There will be other days of success and failure, especially when it comes to my own work.

Still, I believe I need other techniques now. And I don't know what to do, except let things be as they are, even if it means that I must let my emotions and feelings flow.

Ambivalence

I feel I've been making progress in my own growth. I can't think of any other moment in my life than this moment when I have grown so much as a person: the time I stepped my first footsteps onto the University of Saint Thomas campus to where I am now. Many know, but not many, I fear, understand exactly everything that has happened to me. But it's okay, because I'm getting better.

In fact, the more I look at what things are right now with as clear of a mind as possible, the more and more I realise how much happier I am now than in any other time in my life. I had a childhood filled with numbness -- a time that I can barely remember times of happiness or sadness, for the feelings tended to muddle together into one paralysing slump. For what felt like forever, at least during those years, I felt like that, wishing every day would be the last, for I could no longer feel, and no longer wanted to feel anything, for it never felt anyone felt for me.

But now, I have my own place, I earn my own money, and I have wonderful friends who care about me genuinely. I wake up every day, when my mind is clear, and I realise how wonderful my life really is, and, genuinely, I know that all is good and right with the world.

Still, I struggle. I get so confused and overwhelmed, trying to tackle these very thoughts that make me feel confused and overwhelmed. All I can do is shut them up.

And, it works. But it takes so much energy. It takes work, and thankfully I want to put work into that. So what if I'm crazy, and so what if all the thoughts I think come true? So what? The truth of today is that I am blessed, no matter what my emotions are feeling. I just have to remember it.