Ambivalence

I feel I've been making progress in my own growth. I can't think of any other moment in my life than this moment when I have grown so much as a person: the time I stepped my first footsteps onto the University of Saint Thomas campus to where I am now. Many know, but not many, I fear, understand exactly everything that has happened to me. But it's okay, because I'm getting better.

In fact, the more I look at what things are right now with as clear of a mind as possible, the more and more I realise how much happier I am now than in any other time in my life. I had a childhood filled with numbness -- a time that I can barely remember times of happiness or sadness, for the feelings tended to muddle together into one paralysing slump. For what felt like forever, at least during those years, I felt like that, wishing every day would be the last, for I could no longer feel, and no longer wanted to feel anything, for it never felt anyone felt for me.

But now, I have my own place, I earn my own money, and I have wonderful friends who care about me genuinely. I wake up every day, when my mind is clear, and I realise how wonderful my life really is, and, genuinely, I know that all is good and right with the world.

Still, I struggle. I get so confused and overwhelmed, trying to tackle these very thoughts that make me feel confused and overwhelmed. All I can do is shut them up.

And, it works. But it takes so much energy. It takes work, and thankfully I want to put work into that. So what if I'm crazy, and so what if all the thoughts I think come true? So what? The truth of today is that I am blessed, no matter what my emotions are feeling. I just have to remember it.