Inner Conflict Turned Physical Pain

Some things are hard. Some things are very hard. But, alack, many of these things are things one needs to deal with by one's self. I'm going through that right now, as I try to re-examine my thinking, my doubts, my feelings, and what else is me. Ayn Rand said in The Fountainhead or Atlas Shrugged or one of her other books (I never really can remember) that to understand love, one must first understand I .

I'm understanding slowly and surely why I feel certain things, and I can feel that I can answer them for myself. Now, it's the time for changing them, but that's where I'm stuck. I know first-hand that trying to make something change is a bad idea. However, even just letting it change through stillness — without forcing the emotions to end but yielding to it and letting it naturally go — is a painful experience.

Yesterday evening my inner demons were just terrible to me. It's as if everything in my mind was attacking me physically. I felt sick to my stomach, threw up some blood (I think it was blood-tinged; it looked red), ached all over, and felt dizzy. Alack, telling myself that what I'm feeling is unfounded and invalid wouldn't help. Forcing myself to feel better wouldn't help either. All I could do was relax, take a breath, and be still. I can remind myself that things are truly okay. I can remind myself that it's okay to feel this pain. I can remind myself that this kind of change is normal. … All I could do was remind myself that everything is fine, and everything will be fine.

Things are still hard. I still feel pain now, and I fear that this pain will continue to course through. But in stillness, even when it hurts, I can feel my thoughts slowly dissipating from me. I still have one more obstacle though, and … and … this obstacle will be very hard for me. So very hard. But, again, it's something that I think I have to face alone, despite my tears and my pain, and despite my desire that someone will be there to brace me as I endure.