Egotistical Desire

Egotistical desire. What causes it in me to have it, knowing full well the consequences?

In my life, there are many things I have made so much progress in keeping natural. Sometimes things are just slightly dull, but that's only because I'm human, and I forget about everything's natural beauty. But, in my most clear-and-empty days, I notice the cool winds flowing across my skin, tickling each follicle of hair. I notice the warm sun, and my breathing of nourishing humid air. I notice the feeling of each step onto asphalt, grasses, dirt, water. I notice the people who love me, care for me, and who want to talk with me. These simple things -- always the simple -- are the things that have brought me joy and, in those times, I couldn't fathom for asking more.

So, it's a mystery to me why I do desire for things, when I know its consequences. Impatience, fear, uncertainty; these qualities have no place in the life of an clear-and-empty person. However, it's these qualities, and everything that stems from it, that cause all of my suffering. Love becomes possessiveness; eating becomes a disorder; work becomes work; relaxing becomes a chore.

I don't believe, as Buddha has said, that Life is Suffering . There are too many good things in life to make me believe such pessimistic words. However, Desire is truly suffering.

Much of last night was filled with such distracting thoughts. My mind becomes clouded and hazy with self-administered miasma. I writhe and battle with my own body -- a futile conflict -- knowing the truth but also having to acknowledge my feelings. Sometimes I succeed and remind myself to calm down. Sometimes, my techniques fail. But, things are as things are. If I fail, I fail. If I succeed, I succeed. There will be other days of success and failure, especially when it comes to my own work.

Still, I believe I need other techniques now. And I don't know what to do, except let things be as they are, even if it means that I must let my emotions and feelings flow.