I woke up this morning without the shivers, but without a good amount of sleep. Regardless of what I want my body seems to think I should get up at the hours of six and eight in the morning. It's not a bad thing to wake up that early; oftentimes I find it nice, because I get to see the day at it's earliest, at least for me. But something told me today that I needed to do something special for myself, which I did and so I did, and it helped me a lot, I think.
Self love is something that I've struggled with for years. For the longest time in my life, possibly my whole childhood, I've grown up with the delusion that I am not lovable; that in order to attain love I must be perfect and obedient to essentially everyone around me. However, I have learned through experience that everyone is capable of being happy, and that happiness starts with loving one's self.
Happiness is not a thing gained by some outside force outside one's life. It is not gained by one's parents, one's friends, one's lovers, one's sex partners, or any other individual or thing in a person's life. Anthony De Mello, in his meditations, reveals that love is already around you and already in you, and so is happiness. You can't search for something you already have. You don't need to work for it. You don't need to do anything for it. All you have to do is see it.
It might not make sense to many people, however, that love is already there. It might not make sense to many that you do not need your lover, or your parents, or your friends, or any body or any thing to give you happiness and to feel the warmth and affection of love. But love is really and truly there; it exists in one's being, and no matter how alone you are, you are never really alone, for you can love yourself and be happy because your love and your happiness is not attached to anything else. And, through that discovery, you can love other people without selfishness, jealousy, and anger. Love cannot exist without freedom, so let us all learn how to love everyone and everything in our lives as we love the sunset, the sky, and the world around us.
This meditation, I felt compelled to write it down and share, for I felt it was the most useful thing for me to see. It's a meditation on self love, and self care, and self patience, or, at least, I think it should be called that. Everytime that I'm feeling moody, or perhaps needy, or perhaps I'm actually crying, I try to remember this meditation. While it is hard to silence my mind and heart for the exercise, it has been infinitely useful, in the short period of its conception, to my life and to my happiness.
Start with clearing your mind of all things. Your current stressors, family problems, money problems, work problems, relationship problems, any problem at all, find a way to gently put them away for now. Let yourself feel empty for a small while; let your mind be clear as crystal, or, perhaps, as water. Stay there for a while and realise the subtlety of your mind's workings, and, very gently, for force will break it, put those aside too. Stay there for as long as you like, as long as you need, and return to that state when things get too intense.
Now, imagine two people in front of you, who are inside your now-clear mind: your happy self and your unhappy self. Your happy self is the embodiment of freedom, of love, of being happy with what you have, no matter what it is you have. Imagine those things you have anxiety over, those things that make you angry. Just watch those emotions enter and simply rebound away. The idea of your happy self, the one who will not let his happiness be affected by any other influence, and will act with sensitivity and compassion, even the actions easily charged by anxiety, anger, hate, jealousy, and other destructive thoughts.
Then, imagine your sad self. Perhaps it's yourself right now. But imagine that self distilled, your pure sadness. Your desires, attachment, and negative emotions seem to combine into this idea. Imagine he's crying, or perhaps yelling, or angry, or screaming. In any case, he is suffering from these things he tries to hold but can't. He suffers because of desiring more and also because his happiness is attached not to himself but to other things. It is imperative that you imagine this self, but don't judge this self, or be harsh at this self, or hate this self. He is you, and you must love him, as you strive to love everything in your life.
Reflect a bit, as the third person, on your ideal self and your sad self's situation. Just take the time to see both of them. Be still, and, for once, look at them. Examine the happiness in the ideal self, and the unhappiness in the sad self. Look how, come what may, the ideal self's happiness does not falter on outside influence, for he is happy with himself. That self does not need your attention right now; he has his happiness. Your sad self is the one who needs you the most.
Walk up to your sad self, the crying, angry, anxious-and-fear crazed mess. Kneel down and comb your fingers through his hair, smile at him, caress him, and hold him as any person would love to be held. Physically show him that he is loved and cared for, and is always loved and cared for, no matter what emotions he feels, or what external things have happened. Give him the affection he needs, which, because this is you, is also the affection that you need.
Lift up his chin so his eyes face yours. It might be hard to look at yourself, crying and in pain, but you must look at his eyes and do not turn away. Smile again, and tell your sad self this: Everything is alright now. Do not worry, and do not stress. I will always be here for you. When you cry, I will wipe your tears. When you're scared, I will hold your hand. When you need affection, I will hug you and kiss you and hold you close to my chest. Everything is alright, for I love you.
Then, hold yourself and comfort yourself. Be the person you need to be for yourself. Because, only when you show love to yourself can you show true love and freedom for others.
I hope it helps other people. I know it helps me.
