To Remove One's Self

What did I want to say about removing one's self? I always forget. I seem to forget a lot of things nowadays: the days flitting by, sometimes even eating, sometimes going to bed, sometimes taking the right steps. But I can't say that I'm unhappy; it's rather interesting how things work out even when, in the most extreme connotation, I'm doing absolutely nothing. And yet, when I do take the time to step back, I am doing so much. I guess that's what happens when one works seven days a week.

But removing one's self. Something this morning stirred, as if telling me I should write about it, and, yet, it seems I can't even explain it well. What I do know is it's not as scary as it sounds, nor does it mean the extreme asceticism and martyrdom that connotes with the statement.

Removing one's self means, I feel, means to always be a step behind one's self; be a distance enough away so you can always be aware of one's self and the surroundings. Through this, you become aware of your emotions, which are always valid, and aware of everything going on around you. Through this awareness, you gain a certain kind of sensitivity to the world around you, and, I feel, you begin to enjoy simple things that truly are enjoyable. Earth is a reflection of Heaven, if we all just take the time to look.

What are the benefits to this? It helps one see one's self, for one. All the emotions, all the thoughts, all the positives and negatives and stimuli that flow through our minds are more easily seen when we take a step back. Without judging, without renouncing, without binding ourselves to petty self-made rules or the rules of society, we can simply see what our thoughts are doing to ourselves, but without letting these emotions -- both positive and negative -- influence our actions. Like a cool flame, we can have emotions but always be aware of the consequences. It's not easy, but, through it, we can still be passionate about many things, yet possess the clear-mindedness to always make the most loving and sensitive of decisions for everyone.

Other benefits? Well, I like to think being able to feel each step one takes on a road, then it changing to a gravel path, then it changing to crunching leaves, and then finally changing into grass brings unique joys of its own.

Floating In Clouds

I don't know, again, today, what is going on. What I do know is I have everything I need to be happy, so, ergo, I am happy. Negative thoughts still distracting, destructive emotions are still distracting, but I have no reason whatsoever to act on the basis of things like that; it will only cause more suffering and will destroy things.

Yet, things are changing right now. I'm feeling a bit of anxiety over this change, but knowing impermanence, the truth that nothing is permanent, helps lessen anxiety's hold on my mind and heart. For they are happy, but irrationality wishes to make it unhappy. Perhaps I should ponder impermanence today as part of my meditations.

Emotional Tantrums/Hungry

Today, I'll let myself be weak a bit and just let this out. I'll let myself see how distorted, ugly, and destructive negative emotions are.

I didn't get my paycheck today when I checked my bank account. It generally wouldn't worry me at all if I actually had food with which to eat today. I thank my lucky stars that I don't have bills mid-month, but I do need to prepare for rent, Netflix, Internet, and Utilities. I'm not too mad, and I don't feel too angry, but I am frustrated (which, I feel, is a kind of anger) that this is happening. It's messy and annoying, and, well, I don't know. I'm hungry and need to eat! I'm also still dealing with jealousy, that annoying fly, that I've spoke about before. But that has always been there, and I never act on it. It's just more prevalent now than it was before now.

I'm an emotional mess, yet I'm aware of it's messiness and I can still function as I should today. So, I guess I'm still happy, just conflicted? Is it possible to be happy and not feel pleased? I guess it is possible, but perhaps it's only possible when even basic needs aren't being met.

Ugh.

Refletions on Jealousy

I've just come to realise how deep-rooted and nasty jealousy is when one travels toward the path of happiness. While I've gained awareness, and while I've become aware that one never, ever, has to act on one's negative and destructive emotions, I am still aware that negative and destructive emotions are hard to be rid of. Right now, in my personal practice, I can feel the emotions lingering over my mind and heart, annoying, like a fly, yet doing nothing to influence my emotions. I suppose that seeing this annoyance is a good first step towards eradicating this destructive emotion, or, perhaps, it's a good first step towards changing this emotion into something positive.

Still, I'm quite amazed at how deeply rooted these emotions are, and I can't fathom its tangled skeins inside the hearts of others. It makes a sense of sadness and pity, both for my still-attached heart and for others who may suffer from these emotions, spring forth from inside my soul. Jealousy, even though it affects me little now than before, still affects me in significant ways. I can wake up sometimes and, evil imagination, fantasise something caused by jealousy. Or, perhaps, my same evil imagination (perhaps not evil per-se, but easily succumbing to the negative emotions) creates an image in the evening. In both cases I end up hurting myself. I lose sleep, perhaps, or I fret a bit, perhaps, at least until I can realise once more that the thoughts and fantasises that spring from negative emotions are delusional and not based on reality.

And yet, the awareness of jealousy or other negative emotions doesn't make the emotions go away. It's quite strange, really. I've compared it to a fly buzzing around one's head, becoming more and more irritating the more and more it tries to influence you. How do you swat such a fly? I don't know the answer to that. Maybe someday I'll find it, but today, I don't know. So, I'll live with the fly, be aware that it's there, tell myself it's okay, and move on. At least, when one is aware of the fly, one can choose not to do anything because of the fly's actions.

The Impenetrable Wall Revisited

Today's my first challenge with the impenetrable wall between the mind and heart. I hope that I will do well to remember what insight I gained when meditating on this fact.

People will be visiting me today at work, and I'm so nervous and scared about it. But I'm also very happy about it. I'm nervous because I still carry in me negative and destructive emotions, but I also know that I don't have to act on them.

This is where the impenetrable wall exists. I am aware now. I am aware that I am happy with what I have and that I can remain happy with what I have. Even when feeling emotions that are negative, while they linger in my mind like a cloud above me, they have little effect on me. They're like a fly, buzzing around my head, annoying, but not harming. I don't have to act at them; they'll go away on their own.

This fly, though, is really big and threatening. But I think I only see it as really big and threatening. I wondered the whole night, thinking What if I'm not ready? or What if I'm too weak? or What if I succumb? . Bullshit. It's a fly, first of all. Secondly, I have the strength and conviction to do this, because I am striving to be happy. Third, I can only do my best, and I'll be doing my best, so there is no worry.

Still, I pray to the heavens and the earth to give me strength for what is to come.

The Happy Person

When one is happy, it doesn't necessarily mean the absence of sadness or jealousy or anger. Rather, it seems easier to control the emotions based on destructive thoughts. The feelings hover over one's being for a small while (this small while, of course, varies depending on how severe the difficulty), but it always goes away. Sometimes, my feelings only hover for an evening. Sometimes, for a week. Sometimes longer than that. What is important is one's feelings are not attached to these destructive thoughts, anxieties, fears, and desires.

Even if feelings based on destructive emotions occur, the happy person will not be harsh on himself for having these feelings. Rather, the happy person will be able to step back from his own human self, reflect, and look at himself as he is right now. From there, he can comfort himself and tell himself that things are, truly, alright. Realising that these emotions are based on irrationality, on destructiveness, on a negative thing that can only create more negativity, the happy person can step back and, even when in the midst of such negative thought, act in a sensitive and happy way. When hurting, the happy person will still act with compassion and sensitivity and mindfulness in his actions and words.

Now, this isn't easy. I never promised it was, and I don't believe any person, regardless of holiness, will tell anyone how easy it is to attain happiness. But happiness is worth it, for we all suffer enough from our own negative emotions, and we all have the potential to make others suffer because of our insensitivity, our mindlessness, and our unethical selfishness. We are all human, and we all suffer, and, because of this connection, we all must be compassionate, for why add to all our suffering?

Reflections on Nothing

Nothing. There really isn't anything to reflect this morning. I woke up feeling fine. I had thoughts of loneliness, or, perhaps it was a tinge of sadness, but it bounced off me like a racquetball off a wall, or a cork hit in water. I couldn't really explain what the feelings were, other than they dissipated rather quickly.

After a small while, which consisted of making breakfast, I think I knew what it was. I was concerned about two of my friends this morning. Both of them are going through so much stress right now, and I worry about them. Well, worry isn't the right word, but it will have to do. Alack, however, I can't do anything more than what I'm doing, so I won't worry. But in my heart, I'm wishing them the best with their struggles, and I know that they have the strength to persevere through this challenge.

But me? I feel still, which is an odd feeling. But I also feel happy in that particular lonely way, which is also an odd feeling. My feelings are just kind of odd, today. It'll be interesting to see how my reflections and meditations end up.

Reflection On Mind And Heart

It's a scary thought to wake up in the morning and, dazed, hungry for morning nourishment, and lethargic, wonder what it means to make an impenetrable wall between one's mind and heart. Unfortunately, for me, I can't remember where I've read about this impenetrable wall — this wall that is necessary to achieve happiness with one's self and to feel love for all things. But, I think it's necessary to at least explore it.

Perhaps it's not a separation of the mind and heart that I really mean. What if, what I'm trying to say is a wall between the heart's clinging desires and the clarity of the rest of one's person is necessary to achieve happiness and love? I feel that that question makes more sense, and I feel I can answer that question with a confident and resounding yes.

So, it's only part of the heart that needs to be blocked. … Even that statement rings with a sour note in me. For one needs to acknowledge and accept everything that's part of their humanity as themselves, without judgment, hatred, or impatience. To simply block those emotions and thoughts, I'd imagine, can't be very healthy. Wouldn't it be easier to look at them, nod to yourself, and accept that those feelings are, right now, fact? Wouldn't it be that, after you look into one's part of the heart that holds feelings of clinging and desire — after giving that part the most open and kind and clear look — those feelings will disappear, or, at least, lessen it's grip on you?

I think that's where my reflections and meditations will end up today. Perhaps I'll find an answer to the question, perhaps I won't. But days are too special to spend them thinking, when there are parks to visit, tea to drink, and grass in which to nap.

Honesty and Openness Reflections

I woke up this morning quite relaxed and elated with waking up, though I did wish I could sleep a little longer than I have been sleeping. Last night was spent cuddling with a friend of mine who wanted some cuddling, and I wanted it too. I must say that it was relaxing and fun and full of affection to have that night happen. But that night must stay that night; I can't cling to that night, less I miss other nights, and other days, and other fun things that today has in store.

Honesty and openness are my focus this morning and this day, on my meditations and thoughts, in addition to my self love meditations. In striving for loving everyone with the love that the Lord has for all people, I feel that it is important to be honest and open to what you are feeling to everyone (who is willing to listen, of course).

Honesty and openness comes from an awareness that we all are human beings, who live in the same world, and suffer the same pains, but also enjoy the same joys. At the very base of our core we have that connection with everyone we know and don't know. These are qualities that are based on love, not on the selfish clinging on to a friend or a relative or a partner or a significant other, or based on fear and anxiety. No, through love, honesty and openness blossom, along with the fearlessness to speak frankly and honestly.

Does this mean, however, that one should blabber away everything in your thoughts to everyone? I don't know the answer yet to that question. But, I do know these two things: Make sure everyone involved is receptive to listening, and, when you do speak, speak without the pangs of anger or jealousy or hate or any other destruction.

Honesty, openness, love. They're such confusing things, and such simple things.

Meditation on Self Love

I woke up this morning without the shivers, but without a good amount of sleep. Regardless of what I want my body seems to think I should get up at the hours of six and eight in the morning. It's not a bad thing to wake up that early; oftentimes I find it nice, because I get to see the day at it's earliest, at least for me. But something told me today that I needed to do something special for myself, which I did and so I did, and it helped me a lot, I think.

Self love is something that I've struggled with for years. For the longest time in my life, possibly my whole childhood, I've grown up with the delusion that I am not lovable; that in order to attain love I must be perfect and obedient to essentially everyone around me. However, I have learned through experience that everyone is capable of being happy, and that happiness starts with loving one's self.

Happiness is not a thing gained by some outside force outside one's life. It is not gained by one's parents, one's friends, one's lovers, one's sex partners, or any other individual or thing in a person's life. Anthony De Mello, in his meditations, reveals that love is already around you and already in you, and so is happiness. You can't search for something you already have. You don't need to work for it. You don't need to do anything for it. All you have to do is see it.

It might not make sense to many people, however, that love is already there. It might not make sense to many that you do not need your lover, or your parents, or your friends, or any body or any thing to give you happiness and to feel the warmth and affection of love. But love is really and truly there; it exists in one's being, and no matter how alone you are, you are never really alone, for you can love yourself and be happy because your love and your happiness is not attached to anything else. And, through that discovery, you can love other people without selfishness, jealousy, and anger. Love cannot exist without freedom, so let us all learn how to love everyone and everything in our lives as we love the sunset, the sky, and the world around us.

This meditation, I felt compelled to write it down and share, for I felt it was the most useful thing for me to see. It's a meditation on self love, and self care, and self patience, or, at least, I think it should be called that. Everytime that I'm feeling moody, or perhaps needy, or perhaps I'm actually crying, I try to remember this meditation. While it is hard to silence my mind and heart for the exercise, it has been infinitely useful, in the short period of its conception, to my life and to my happiness.

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Start with clearing your mind of all things. Your current stressors, family problems, money problems, work problems, relationship problems, any problem at all, find a way to gently put them away for now. Let yourself feel empty for a small while; let your mind be clear as crystal, or, perhaps, as water. Stay there for a while and realise the subtlety of your mind's workings, and, very gently, for force will break it, put those aside too. Stay there for as long as you like, as long as you need, and return to that state when things get too intense.

Now, imagine two people in front of you, who are inside your now-clear mind: your happy self and your unhappy self. Your happy self is the embodiment of freedom, of love, of being happy with what you have, no matter what it is you have. Imagine those things you have anxiety over, those things that make you angry. Just watch those emotions enter and simply rebound away. The idea of your happy self, the one who will not let his happiness be affected by any other influence, and will act with sensitivity and compassion, even the actions easily charged by anxiety, anger, hate, jealousy, and other destructive thoughts.

Then, imagine your sad self. Perhaps it's yourself right now. But imagine that self distilled, your pure sadness. Your desires, attachment, and negative emotions seem to combine into this idea. Imagine he's crying, or perhaps yelling, or angry, or screaming. In any case, he is suffering from these things he tries to hold but can't. He suffers because of desiring more and also because his happiness is attached not to himself but to other things. It is imperative that you imagine this self, but don't judge this self, or be harsh at this self, or hate this self. He is you, and you must love him, as you strive to love everything in your life.

Reflect a bit, as the third person, on your ideal self and your sad self's situation. Just take the time to see both of them. Be still, and, for once, look at them. Examine the happiness in the ideal self, and the unhappiness in the sad self. Look how, come what may, the ideal self's happiness does not falter on outside influence, for he is happy with himself. That self does not need your attention right now; he has his happiness. Your sad self is the one who needs you the most.

Walk up to your sad self, the crying, angry, anxious-and-fear crazed mess. Kneel down and comb your fingers through his hair, smile at him, caress him, and hold him as any person would love to be held. Physically show him that he is loved and cared for, and is always loved and cared for, no matter what emotions he feels, or what external things have happened. Give him the affection he needs, which, because this is you, is also the affection that you need.

Lift up his chin so his eyes face yours. It might be hard to look at yourself, crying and in pain, but you must look at his eyes and do not turn away. Smile again, and tell your sad self this: Everything is alright now. Do not worry, and do not stress. I will always be here for you. When you cry, I will wipe your tears. When you're scared, I will hold your hand. When you need affection, I will hug you and kiss you and hold you close to my chest. Everything is alright, for I love you.

Then, hold yourself and comfort yourself. Be the person you need to be for yourself. Because, only when you show love to yourself can you show true love and freedom for others.

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I hope it helps other people. I know it helps me.

Why I Write / Patience

I woke up this morning an hour earlier than I set my alarm for waking up. I was shivering and hugging toward something; my desire for someone to hold was becoming, once again, overwhelming. And those desires are scary to me, for they open other desires based on jealousy, impatience, and other destructive vices. Trying to resist them with my own power sometimes feels easy, but resisting can also feel painful. I find myself, sometimes when I simply let my feelings be, that my body aches and pains all over; my mind scurries around thinking of how to get what I'm desiring in any way I can, or perhaps angry that the person I wanted is not there; or perhaps jealous of no particular person, but of everyone who has that certain person that will provide them what I want.

And yet, in that pain and suffering of change, for I am trying to change, I find myself still, deep down in my mind, like water just letting things be. Sure, I still shake around and distort the image, but I remember, always, that I need to let it be. I need to let the world be. But, more importantly, I need to let myself be. My feelings and thoughts, while they are based on negative thoughts, need to be. All I need to do is recognise them and, while they still will exist for a small while, they will eventually disappear, like a child tired of having a tantrum.

I'm finding what helps me a lot is to simply write about what I'm feeling. Not only can others see them (because, I'm just that egotistical), but, more importantly, so I can see them. I could care less if anyone reads what I write; like Ayn Rand, I don't write to please anyone but myself. But most importantly I need to see me. And I need to give the self I see the same patience I would give someone else.

A very good and loving friend of mine told me, when we first met, that things love to happen. It's probably the hardest lesson to learn. I've applied it everywhere else in my life. I think, it's my turn to apply it to me.

So, why do I write? So I can see myself for what I really am; to see myself manifested in words as an actual human being. And, like any human being who would be in my situation, I can see him, smile, give him the hug he needs, and tell him that things really are alright.

From now on, I think I'm moving my journal entries that I keep privately here. It helps me because my journal will be anywhere (where Internet exists). But, also, it helps to think that people will read this and, even if they don't say anything, perhaps they'll simply see me.

My Conundrum

I've been meditating and reflecting for a long while now, and I've come to realise these facts of Reality as I see it:

• I am already happy
  • I am only unhappy when I want something I don't have.
  • Working on getting what one can't have only brings struggle and frustration.
  • Ergo, the way to happiness is to simply be happy with what one has.
• I don't need to keep any feelings I have to myself or to one special person. All people are human beings and have the compassion to understand and be compassionate. Honesty and openness is better.
• Because of this, a serious relationship is not needed.
  • Or, to be more precise, because I feel that a serious relationship is based on the fact that there are only certain things you can tell your partner that you can't tell your friends, and because I have been shown that I don't need to do that, I don't need a serious relationship for that reason

Yeah, that's what I've come to. However, there is this conundrum of mine:

I need tactile affection.

Here's the problem with this statement. The statement above implies that without tactile affection I won't be happy. However I am happy, and to continue being happy, one must be content with what one has. That statement would qualify as a desire to me and should be eradicated.

However, I have been told by a very good and loving friend that that need is a natural part of being human, ergo it does not need to be removed; it is okay to need tactile affection because, as social creatures, it's something that is part of our inner nature. Some people need less of it, some people need more of it, but we all need it to some extent. I, in particular, need it more because I respond the best to a tactile response.

How do I get that though? The answer will apparently come to me says my very good and very loving friend if I just don't think about the answer and I don't search for it. But...

I am tired of cruising for sex, just because I feel the need to be held and hugged. It feels good at the time but I feel miserable after the experience because I feel like an object. Furthermore, I am using the other as an object as well to fulfill this need of mine. So we've both done damage to our souls, using ourselves with an unethical selfishness.

At the same time, I can no longer get the tactile affection I need in a convenient and reasonable way, and the depression support group I've established is essentially physically disconnected, meaning I have no place to go if I feel like I'm not safe to be alone, or when I really need that affection. I'm really losing all my source of non-maliced and close-by tactile affection. But is it a necessity?

All I can ask is for the peace and patience to know that the answer will come to me if I'm gentle and I don't force the answer out. If I just keep my eyes open and see the world and reality for what it is. Frankly, it's not a good enough answer for me right now, but I know it rings the truth. So, like a child who does not like his medicine, I'll take it, because I know it's the best way. I will be still and just watch, or watch the best that I can.

What I Need During A Depressive Episode

I can usually sense when I'm beginning a depressive episode. When I sense that one is beginning, I can make the steps I need to lessen the impact and continue on with my life, no matter what anxieties or insecurities I imagine to exist. The episodes still happen; the effect, however, is lessened.

It becomes difficult when I don't notice my depressive episodes until I already enter. If that ever happens, I sometimes forget to use the self-tools I possess to lessen the blow, act in strange and uncharacteristic ways, or try to retreat in any way I can.

Fortunately, I do have a group of good friends who I've explicitly asked to be my support in the occasions when I can't help myself, or forget to help myself. These notes are mainly for them, but can be for any friends of mine that wish to know ways they can help me.

This is what I need from people when I'm in a depressive episode, whether I catch myself to lessen the impact or not:

I Need People To Not Use Force

A lot of my own energy, when in a depressive episode, is utilised to simply get myself doing the things I need to do. I don't feel comfortable, and I get even more irritated and tense and emotional, when people force me to do something. This could be anything from forcing me to do something I enjoy, forcing me to work harder, or forcing me to get over myself. When I'm in an episode I'm doing the best I can and I can't do anything more than that.

I Need People To Let Me Join When Ready

I become a recluse whenever I have a depressive episode. However, this does not mean that I don't want to hang out with a group of people. I need people to give me the space I need, but I don't need people to absolutely exclude me from any activity that I might want to do. Rather, I need people to be open to letting me participate without forcing.

I Need People To Understand That I Am Not Offended At You

Again, I become a bit of a recluse. This does not mean that I hate your guts.

I Need Affection

I'm too afraid to ask for this from people, usually, because I don't want to seem clingy or needy. However, simple touches, hugs, holding, kisses, wiping away of tears, and other things like that help me significantly. I respond well to touch, and small things like this make me feel (literally) that everything is okay and everyone still likes me and that people do love me, no matter what the depressive voice inside me tells me.

I Need Reaffirmations

I tell myself all the time that things are okay, even when my heart wrenches in pain and when I vomit because of the stress of merely keeping myself normal. But it always, always helps to hear someone else tell me that things are fine. Sometimes, I might not even see things as fine. In this case, it helps me to remember that things are fine when people tell me things are fine.

I Will Understand When You Can't Deal With Me

There's a reason I have a support group and not one person to support me: I can't expect one person to be my sole help. As much as I would like a particular person (changes depending on the kind of moods) the person doesn't matter as long as the person is supportive. I won't think anything bad of anyone who cannot help me, and, when better, I will get slightly annoyed if they apologise for something that they couldn't do (because, at that time, it's something they couldn't give). I have people to help me, and I understand that people have other things to do.

I Need To Know I Am Loved And Cared For

Much of my anxieties stem from this what-if: do people really care about me? If people are helping me it's obvious that I am cared for. However, I might not know it at the time. Just be gentle and still as I'm turbulent and scary; I'll eventually get out, and I will appreciate it a lot to know that people who do support me helped me weather the storm, no matter how small.

I'll be sure to add more things I need when depressed.

Inner Conflict Turned Physical Pain

Some things are hard. Some things are very hard. But, alack, many of these things are things one needs to deal with by one's self. I'm going through that right now, as I try to re-examine my thinking, my doubts, my feelings, and what else is me. Ayn Rand said in The Fountainhead or Atlas Shrugged or one of her other books (I never really can remember) that to understand love, one must first understand I .

I'm understanding slowly and surely why I feel certain things, and I can feel that I can answer them for myself. Now, it's the time for changing them, but that's where I'm stuck. I know first-hand that trying to make something change is a bad idea. However, even just letting it change through stillness — without forcing the emotions to end but yielding to it and letting it naturally go — is a painful experience.

Yesterday evening my inner demons were just terrible to me. It's as if everything in my mind was attacking me physically. I felt sick to my stomach, threw up some blood (I think it was blood-tinged; it looked red), ached all over, and felt dizzy. Alack, telling myself that what I'm feeling is unfounded and invalid wouldn't help. Forcing myself to feel better wouldn't help either. All I could do was relax, take a breath, and be still. I can remind myself that things are truly okay. I can remind myself that it's okay to feel this pain. I can remind myself that this kind of change is normal. … All I could do was remind myself that everything is fine, and everything will be fine.

Things are still hard. I still feel pain now, and I fear that this pain will continue to course through. But in stillness, even when it hurts, I can feel my thoughts slowly dissipating from me. I still have one more obstacle though, and … and … this obstacle will be very hard for me. So very hard. But, again, it's something that I think I have to face alone, despite my tears and my pain, and despite my desire that someone will be there to brace me as I endure.

A Sense Of Peace

My boss described me, today, as someone who has a sense of peace about me. It was refreshing and nice to hear that I am making strides in becoming peaceful and natural in my life. However, it was strange to hear because my mind was definitely not at peace today.

There was too much going on, and I didn't have enough energy to accomplish my tasks and check myself today to make sure I don't over-think. Alack, though, I merely did what I had to do, and hoped and prayed that I did everything well. So far, it seems things are all fine, but I'm so drained of energy today.

I'm holding on to this wonderful comment from my boss, because this means that I have attained a level of peace and serenity before, and it is possible again and again, so long as I try. Still, trying is hard; trying is a struggle. But, hopefully, this will mean that the more I work, the more natural it will be to have serenity in my life.

For now, I just want a long hug and a movie and some good food…

Egotistical Desire

Egotistical desire. What causes it in me to have it, knowing full well the consequences?

In my life, there are many things I have made so much progress in keeping natural. Sometimes things are just slightly dull, but that's only because I'm human, and I forget about everything's natural beauty. But, in my most clear-and-empty days, I notice the cool winds flowing across my skin, tickling each follicle of hair. I notice the warm sun, and my breathing of nourishing humid air. I notice the feeling of each step onto asphalt, grasses, dirt, water. I notice the people who love me, care for me, and who want to talk with me. These simple things -- always the simple -- are the things that have brought me joy and, in those times, I couldn't fathom for asking more.

So, it's a mystery to me why I do desire for things, when I know its consequences. Impatience, fear, uncertainty; these qualities have no place in the life of an clear-and-empty person. However, it's these qualities, and everything that stems from it, that cause all of my suffering. Love becomes possessiveness; eating becomes a disorder; work becomes work; relaxing becomes a chore.

I don't believe, as Buddha has said, that Life is Suffering . There are too many good things in life to make me believe such pessimistic words. However, Desire is truly suffering.

Much of last night was filled with such distracting thoughts. My mind becomes clouded and hazy with self-administered miasma. I writhe and battle with my own body -- a futile conflict -- knowing the truth but also having to acknowledge my feelings. Sometimes I succeed and remind myself to calm down. Sometimes, my techniques fail. But, things are as things are. If I fail, I fail. If I succeed, I succeed. There will be other days of success and failure, especially when it comes to my own work.

Still, I believe I need other techniques now. And I don't know what to do, except let things be as they are, even if it means that I must let my emotions and feelings flow.

Ambivalence

I feel I've been making progress in my own growth. I can't think of any other moment in my life than this moment when I have grown so much as a person: the time I stepped my first footsteps onto the University of Saint Thomas campus to where I am now. Many know, but not many, I fear, understand exactly everything that has happened to me. But it's okay, because I'm getting better.

In fact, the more I look at what things are right now with as clear of a mind as possible, the more and more I realise how much happier I am now than in any other time in my life. I had a childhood filled with numbness -- a time that I can barely remember times of happiness or sadness, for the feelings tended to muddle together into one paralysing slump. For what felt like forever, at least during those years, I felt like that, wishing every day would be the last, for I could no longer feel, and no longer wanted to feel anything, for it never felt anyone felt for me.

But now, I have my own place, I earn my own money, and I have wonderful friends who care about me genuinely. I wake up every day, when my mind is clear, and I realise how wonderful my life really is, and, genuinely, I know that all is good and right with the world.

Still, I struggle. I get so confused and overwhelmed, trying to tackle these very thoughts that make me feel confused and overwhelmed. All I can do is shut them up.

And, it works. But it takes so much energy. It takes work, and thankfully I want to put work into that. So what if I'm crazy, and so what if all the thoughts I think come true? So what? The truth of today is that I am blessed, no matter what my emotions are feeling. I just have to remember it.

Forward

Why do I have a blog? Why do I want to write things down? The latter question is easy: I have something I want to write. The former question is just slightly tougher.

I'm a believer in the general UNIX philosophy of do one thing and do it well . It only makes sense, then, to make sure that one very-good-tool-for-the-job exists for one job. It works even better when these tools are capable of working together with synergy. I feel that it is possible.

So this blog exists to take my notes, thoughts, reviews, steps, tutorials, and other things down. Like many of my Moleskines at home, at the moment this lacks of purpose. But give it time and it will gain something.