What I Need During A Depressive Episode

I can usually sense when I'm beginning a depressive episode. When I sense that one is beginning, I can make the steps I need to lessen the impact and continue on with my life, no matter what anxieties or insecurities I imagine to exist. The episodes still happen; the effect, however, is lessened.

It becomes difficult when I don't notice my depressive episodes until I already enter. If that ever happens, I sometimes forget to use the self-tools I possess to lessen the blow, act in strange and uncharacteristic ways, or try to retreat in any way I can.

Fortunately, I do have a group of good friends who I've explicitly asked to be my support in the occasions when I can't help myself, or forget to help myself. These notes are mainly for them, but can be for any friends of mine that wish to know ways they can help me.

This is what I need from people when I'm in a depressive episode, whether I catch myself to lessen the impact or not:

I Need People To Not Use Force

A lot of my own energy, when in a depressive episode, is utilised to simply get myself doing the things I need to do. I don't feel comfortable, and I get even more irritated and tense and emotional, when people force me to do something. This could be anything from forcing me to do something I enjoy, forcing me to work harder, or forcing me to get over myself. When I'm in an episode I'm doing the best I can and I can't do anything more than that.

I Need People To Let Me Join When Ready

I become a recluse whenever I have a depressive episode. However, this does not mean that I don't want to hang out with a group of people. I need people to give me the space I need, but I don't need people to absolutely exclude me from any activity that I might want to do. Rather, I need people to be open to letting me participate without forcing.

I Need People To Understand That I Am Not Offended At You

Again, I become a bit of a recluse. This does not mean that I hate your guts.

I Need Affection

I'm too afraid to ask for this from people, usually, because I don't want to seem clingy or needy. However, simple touches, hugs, holding, kisses, wiping away of tears, and other things like that help me significantly. I respond well to touch, and small things like this make me feel (literally) that everything is okay and everyone still likes me and that people do love me, no matter what the depressive voice inside me tells me.

I Need Reaffirmations

I tell myself all the time that things are okay, even when my heart wrenches in pain and when I vomit because of the stress of merely keeping myself normal. But it always, always helps to hear someone else tell me that things are fine. Sometimes, I might not even see things as fine. In this case, it helps me to remember that things are fine when people tell me things are fine.

I Will Understand When You Can't Deal With Me

There's a reason I have a support group and not one person to support me: I can't expect one person to be my sole help. As much as I would like a particular person (changes depending on the kind of moods) the person doesn't matter as long as the person is supportive. I won't think anything bad of anyone who cannot help me, and, when better, I will get slightly annoyed if they apologise for something that they couldn't do (because, at that time, it's something they couldn't give). I have people to help me, and I understand that people have other things to do.

I Need To Know I Am Loved And Cared For

Much of my anxieties stem from this what-if: do people really care about me? If people are helping me it's obvious that I am cared for. However, I might not know it at the time. Just be gentle and still as I'm turbulent and scary; I'll eventually get out, and I will appreciate it a lot to know that people who do support me helped me weather the storm, no matter how small.

I'll be sure to add more things I need when depressed.

Inner Conflict Turned Physical Pain

Some things are hard. Some things are very hard. But, alack, many of these things are things one needs to deal with by one's self. I'm going through that right now, as I try to re-examine my thinking, my doubts, my feelings, and what else is me. Ayn Rand said in The Fountainhead or Atlas Shrugged or one of her other books (I never really can remember) that to understand love, one must first understand I .

I'm understanding slowly and surely why I feel certain things, and I can feel that I can answer them for myself. Now, it's the time for changing them, but that's where I'm stuck. I know first-hand that trying to make something change is a bad idea. However, even just letting it change through stillness — without forcing the emotions to end but yielding to it and letting it naturally go — is a painful experience.

Yesterday evening my inner demons were just terrible to me. It's as if everything in my mind was attacking me physically. I felt sick to my stomach, threw up some blood (I think it was blood-tinged; it looked red), ached all over, and felt dizzy. Alack, telling myself that what I'm feeling is unfounded and invalid wouldn't help. Forcing myself to feel better wouldn't help either. All I could do was relax, take a breath, and be still. I can remind myself that things are truly okay. I can remind myself that it's okay to feel this pain. I can remind myself that this kind of change is normal. … All I could do was remind myself that everything is fine, and everything will be fine.

Things are still hard. I still feel pain now, and I fear that this pain will continue to course through. But in stillness, even when it hurts, I can feel my thoughts slowly dissipating from me. I still have one more obstacle though, and … and … this obstacle will be very hard for me. So very hard. But, again, it's something that I think I have to face alone, despite my tears and my pain, and despite my desire that someone will be there to brace me as I endure.

A Sense Of Peace

My boss described me, today, as someone who has a sense of peace about me. It was refreshing and nice to hear that I am making strides in becoming peaceful and natural in my life. However, it was strange to hear because my mind was definitely not at peace today.

There was too much going on, and I didn't have enough energy to accomplish my tasks and check myself today to make sure I don't over-think. Alack, though, I merely did what I had to do, and hoped and prayed that I did everything well. So far, it seems things are all fine, but I'm so drained of energy today.

I'm holding on to this wonderful comment from my boss, because this means that I have attained a level of peace and serenity before, and it is possible again and again, so long as I try. Still, trying is hard; trying is a struggle. But, hopefully, this will mean that the more I work, the more natural it will be to have serenity in my life.

For now, I just want a long hug and a movie and some good food…

Egotistical Desire

Egotistical desire. What causes it in me to have it, knowing full well the consequences?

In my life, there are many things I have made so much progress in keeping natural. Sometimes things are just slightly dull, but that's only because I'm human, and I forget about everything's natural beauty. But, in my most clear-and-empty days, I notice the cool winds flowing across my skin, tickling each follicle of hair. I notice the warm sun, and my breathing of nourishing humid air. I notice the feeling of each step onto asphalt, grasses, dirt, water. I notice the people who love me, care for me, and who want to talk with me. These simple things -- always the simple -- are the things that have brought me joy and, in those times, I couldn't fathom for asking more.

So, it's a mystery to me why I do desire for things, when I know its consequences. Impatience, fear, uncertainty; these qualities have no place in the life of an clear-and-empty person. However, it's these qualities, and everything that stems from it, that cause all of my suffering. Love becomes possessiveness; eating becomes a disorder; work becomes work; relaxing becomes a chore.

I don't believe, as Buddha has said, that Life is Suffering . There are too many good things in life to make me believe such pessimistic words. However, Desire is truly suffering.

Much of last night was filled with such distracting thoughts. My mind becomes clouded and hazy with self-administered miasma. I writhe and battle with my own body -- a futile conflict -- knowing the truth but also having to acknowledge my feelings. Sometimes I succeed and remind myself to calm down. Sometimes, my techniques fail. But, things are as things are. If I fail, I fail. If I succeed, I succeed. There will be other days of success and failure, especially when it comes to my own work.

Still, I believe I need other techniques now. And I don't know what to do, except let things be as they are, even if it means that I must let my emotions and feelings flow.

Ambivalence

I feel I've been making progress in my own growth. I can't think of any other moment in my life than this moment when I have grown so much as a person: the time I stepped my first footsteps onto the University of Saint Thomas campus to where I am now. Many know, but not many, I fear, understand exactly everything that has happened to me. But it's okay, because I'm getting better.

In fact, the more I look at what things are right now with as clear of a mind as possible, the more and more I realise how much happier I am now than in any other time in my life. I had a childhood filled with numbness -- a time that I can barely remember times of happiness or sadness, for the feelings tended to muddle together into one paralysing slump. For what felt like forever, at least during those years, I felt like that, wishing every day would be the last, for I could no longer feel, and no longer wanted to feel anything, for it never felt anyone felt for me.

But now, I have my own place, I earn my own money, and I have wonderful friends who care about me genuinely. I wake up every day, when my mind is clear, and I realise how wonderful my life really is, and, genuinely, I know that all is good and right with the world.

Still, I struggle. I get so confused and overwhelmed, trying to tackle these very thoughts that make me feel confused and overwhelmed. All I can do is shut them up.

And, it works. But it takes so much energy. It takes work, and thankfully I want to put work into that. So what if I'm crazy, and so what if all the thoughts I think come true? So what? The truth of today is that I am blessed, no matter what my emotions are feeling. I just have to remember it.

Forward

Why do I have a blog? Why do I want to write things down? The latter question is easy: I have something I want to write. The former question is just slightly tougher.

I'm a believer in the general UNIX philosophy of do one thing and do it well . It only makes sense, then, to make sure that one very-good-tool-for-the-job exists for one job. It works even better when these tools are capable of working together with synergy. I feel that it is possible.

So this blog exists to take my notes, thoughts, reviews, steps, tutorials, and other things down. Like many of my Moleskines at home, at the moment this lacks of purpose. But give it time and it will gain something.