Today's my first challenge with the impenetrable wall between the mind and heart. I hope that I will do well to remember what insight I gained when meditating on this fact.
People will be visiting me today at work, and I'm so nervous and scared about it. But I'm also very happy about it. I'm nervous because I still carry in me negative and destructive emotions, but I also know that I don't have to act on them.
This is where the impenetrable wall exists. I am aware now. I am aware that I am happy with what I have and that I can remain happy with what I have. Even when feeling emotions that are negative, while they linger in my mind like a cloud above me, they have little effect on me. They're like a fly, buzzing around my head, annoying, but not harming. I don't have to act at them; they'll go away on their own.
This fly, though, is really big and threatening. But I think I only see it as really big and threatening. I wondered the whole night, thinking What if I'm not ready?
or What if I'm too weak?
or What if I succumb?
. Bullshit. It's a fly, first of all. Secondly, I have the strength and conviction to do this, because I am striving to be happy. Third, I can only do my best, and I'll be doing my best, so there is no worry.
Still, I pray to the heavens and the earth to give me strength for what is to come.
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