Friday, August 7, 2009

My Conundrum

I've been meditating and reflecting for a long while now, and I've come to realise these facts of Reality as I see it:

  • I am already happy
    • I am only unhappy when I want something I don't have.
    • Working on getting what one can't have only brings struggle and frustration.
    • Ergo, the way to happiness is to simply be happy with what one has.
  • I don't need to keep any feelings I have to myself or to one special person. All people are human beings and have the compassion to understand and be compassionate. Honesty and openness is better.
  • Because of this, a serious relationship is not needed.
    • Or, to be more precise, because I feel that a serious relationship is based on the fact that there are only certain things you can tell your partner that you can't tell your friends, and because I have been shown that I don't need to do that, I don't need a serious relationship for that reason

Yeah, that's what I've come to. However, there is this conundrum of mine:

I need tactile affection.

Here's the problem with this statement. The statement above implies that without tactile affection I won't be happy. However I am happy, and to continue being happy, one must be content with what one has. That statement would qualify as a desire to me and should be eradicated.

However, I have been told by a very good and loving friend that that need is a natural part of being human, ergo it does not need to be removed; it is okay to need tactile affection because, as social creatures, it's something that is part of our inner nature. Some people need less of it, some people need more of it, but we all need it to some extent. I, in particular, need it more because I respond the best to a tactile response.

How do I get that though? The answer will apparently come to me says my very good and very loving friend if I just don't think about the answer and I don't search for it. But...

I am tired of cruising for sex, just because I feel the need to be held and hugged. It feels good at the time but I feel miserable after the experience because I feel like an object. Furthermore, I am using the other as an object as well to fulfill this need of mine. So we've both done damage to our souls, using ourselves with an unethical selfishness.

At the same time, I can no longer get the tactile affection I need in a convenient and reasonable way, and the depression support group I've established is essentially physically disconnected, meaning I have no place to go if I feel like I'm not safe to be alone, or when I really need that affection. I'm really losing all my source of non-maliced and close-by tactile affection. But is it a necessity?

All I can ask is for the peace and patience to know that the answer will come to me if I'm gentle and I don't force the answer out. If I just keep my eyes open and see the world and reality for what it is. Frankly, it's not a good enough answer for me right now, but I know it rings the truth. So, like a child who does not like his medicine, I'll take it, because I know it's the best way. I will be still and just watch, or watch the best that I can.

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