Why I Write / Patience

I woke up this morning an hour earlier than I set my alarm for waking up. I was shivering and hugging toward something; my desire for someone to hold was becoming, once again, overwhelming. And those desires are scary to me, for they open other desires based on jealousy, impatience, and other destructive vices. Trying to resist them with my own power sometimes feels easy, but resisting can also feel painful. I find myself, sometimes when I simply let my feelings be, that my body aches and pains all over; my mind scurries around thinking of how to get what I'm desiring in any way I can, or perhaps angry that the person I wanted is not there; or perhaps jealous of no particular person, but of everyone who has that certain person that will provide them what I want.

And yet, in that pain and suffering of change, for I am trying to change, I find myself still, deep down in my mind, like water just letting things be. Sure, I still shake around and distort the image, but I remember, always, that I need to let it be. I need to let the world be. But, more importantly, I need to let myself be. My feelings and thoughts, while they are based on negative thoughts, need to be. All I need to do is recognise them and, while they still will exist for a small while, they will eventually disappear, like a child tired of having a tantrum.

I'm finding what helps me a lot is to simply write about what I'm feeling. Not only can others see them (because, I'm just that egotistical), but, more importantly, so I can see them. I could care less if anyone reads what I write; like Ayn Rand, I don't write to please anyone but myself. But most importantly I need to see me. And I need to give the self I see the same patience I would give someone else.

A very good and loving friend of mine told me, when we first met, that things love to happen. It's probably the hardest lesson to learn. I've applied it everywhere else in my life. I think, it's my turn to apply it to me.

So, why do I write? So I can see myself for what I really am; to see myself manifested in words as an actual human being. And, like any human being who would be in my situation, I can see him, smile, give him the hug he needs, and tell him that things really are alright.

From now on, I think I'm moving my journal entries that I keep privately here. It helps me because my journal will be anywhere (where Internet exists). But, also, it helps to think that people will read this and, even if they don't say anything, perhaps they'll simply see me.