To Remove One's Self

What did I want to say about removing one's self? I always forget. I seem to forget a lot of things nowadays: the days flitting by, sometimes even eating, sometimes going to bed, sometimes taking the right steps. But I can't say that I'm unhappy; it's rather interesting how things work out even when, in the most extreme connotation, I'm doing absolutely nothing. And yet, when I do take the time to step back, I am doing so much. I guess that's what happens when one works seven days a week.

But removing one's self. Something this morning stirred, as if telling me I should write about it, and, yet, it seems I can't even explain it well. What I do know is it's not as scary as it sounds, nor does it mean the extreme asceticism and martyrdom that connotes with the statement.

Removing one's self means, I feel, means to always be a step behind one's self; be a distance enough away so you can always be aware of one's self and the surroundings. Through this, you become aware of your emotions, which are always valid, and aware of everything going on around you. Through this awareness, you gain a certain kind of sensitivity to the world around you, and, I feel, you begin to enjoy simple things that truly are enjoyable. Earth is a reflection of Heaven, if we all just take the time to look.

What are the benefits to this? It helps one see one's self, for one. All the emotions, all the thoughts, all the positives and negatives and stimuli that flow through our minds are more easily seen when we take a step back. Without judging, without renouncing, without binding ourselves to petty self-made rules or the rules of society, we can simply see what our thoughts are doing to ourselves, but without letting these emotions -- both positive and negative -- influence our actions. Like a cool flame, we can have emotions but always be aware of the consequences. It's not easy, but, through it, we can still be passionate about many things, yet possess the clear-mindedness to always make the most loving and sensitive of decisions for everyone.

Other benefits? Well, I like to think being able to feel each step one takes on a road, then it changing to a gravel path, then it changing to crunching leaves, and then finally changing into grass brings unique joys of its own.

Floating In Clouds

I don't know, again, today, what is going on. What I do know is I have everything I need to be happy, so, ergo, I am happy. Negative thoughts still distracting, destructive emotions are still distracting, but I have no reason whatsoever to act on the basis of things like that; it will only cause more suffering and will destroy things.

Yet, things are changing right now. I'm feeling a bit of anxiety over this change, but knowing impermanence, the truth that nothing is permanent, helps lessen anxiety's hold on my mind and heart. For they are happy, but irrationality wishes to make it unhappy. Perhaps I should ponder impermanence today as part of my meditations.

Emotional Tantrums/Hungry

Today, I'll let myself be weak a bit and just let this out. I'll let myself see how distorted, ugly, and destructive negative emotions are.

I didn't get my paycheck today when I checked my bank account. It generally wouldn't worry me at all if I actually had food with which to eat today. I thank my lucky stars that I don't have bills mid-month, but I do need to prepare for rent, Netflix, Internet, and Utilities. I'm not too mad, and I don't feel too angry, but I am frustrated (which, I feel, is a kind of anger) that this is happening. It's messy and annoying, and, well, I don't know. I'm hungry and need to eat! I'm also still dealing with jealousy, that annoying fly, that I've spoke about before. But that has always been there, and I never act on it. It's just more prevalent now than it was before now.

I'm an emotional mess, yet I'm aware of it's messiness and I can still function as I should today. So, I guess I'm still happy, just conflicted? Is it possible to be happy and not feel pleased? I guess it is possible, but perhaps it's only possible when even basic needs aren't being met.

Ugh.

Refletions on Jealousy

I've just come to realise how deep-rooted and nasty jealousy is when one travels toward the path of happiness. While I've gained awareness, and while I've become aware that one never, ever, has to act on one's negative and destructive emotions, I am still aware that negative and destructive emotions are hard to be rid of. Right now, in my personal practice, I can feel the emotions lingering over my mind and heart, annoying, like a fly, yet doing nothing to influence my emotions. I suppose that seeing this annoyance is a good first step towards eradicating this destructive emotion, or, perhaps, it's a good first step towards changing this emotion into something positive.

Still, I'm quite amazed at how deeply rooted these emotions are, and I can't fathom its tangled skeins inside the hearts of others. It makes a sense of sadness and pity, both for my still-attached heart and for others who may suffer from these emotions, spring forth from inside my soul. Jealousy, even though it affects me little now than before, still affects me in significant ways. I can wake up sometimes and, evil imagination, fantasise something caused by jealousy. Or, perhaps, my same evil imagination (perhaps not evil per-se, but easily succumbing to the negative emotions) creates an image in the evening. In both cases I end up hurting myself. I lose sleep, perhaps, or I fret a bit, perhaps, at least until I can realise once more that the thoughts and fantasises that spring from negative emotions are delusional and not based on reality.

And yet, the awareness of jealousy or other negative emotions doesn't make the emotions go away. It's quite strange, really. I've compared it to a fly buzzing around one's head, becoming more and more irritating the more and more it tries to influence you. How do you swat such a fly? I don't know the answer to that. Maybe someday I'll find it, but today, I don't know. So, I'll live with the fly, be aware that it's there, tell myself it's okay, and move on. At least, when one is aware of the fly, one can choose not to do anything because of the fly's actions.

The Impenetrable Wall Revisited

Today's my first challenge with the impenetrable wall between the mind and heart. I hope that I will do well to remember what insight I gained when meditating on this fact.

People will be visiting me today at work, and I'm so nervous and scared about it. But I'm also very happy about it. I'm nervous because I still carry in me negative and destructive emotions, but I also know that I don't have to act on them.

This is where the impenetrable wall exists. I am aware now. I am aware that I am happy with what I have and that I can remain happy with what I have. Even when feeling emotions that are negative, while they linger in my mind like a cloud above me, they have little effect on me. They're like a fly, buzzing around my head, annoying, but not harming. I don't have to act at them; they'll go away on their own.

This fly, though, is really big and threatening. But I think I only see it as really big and threatening. I wondered the whole night, thinking What if I'm not ready? or What if I'm too weak? or What if I succumb? . Bullshit. It's a fly, first of all. Secondly, I have the strength and conviction to do this, because I am striving to be happy. Third, I can only do my best, and I'll be doing my best, so there is no worry.

Still, I pray to the heavens and the earth to give me strength for what is to come.

The Happy Person

When one is happy, it doesn't necessarily mean the absence of sadness or jealousy or anger. Rather, it seems easier to control the emotions based on destructive thoughts. The feelings hover over one's being for a small while (this small while, of course, varies depending on how severe the difficulty), but it always goes away. Sometimes, my feelings only hover for an evening. Sometimes, for a week. Sometimes longer than that. What is important is one's feelings are not attached to these destructive thoughts, anxieties, fears, and desires.

Even if feelings based on destructive emotions occur, the happy person will not be harsh on himself for having these feelings. Rather, the happy person will be able to step back from his own human self, reflect, and look at himself as he is right now. From there, he can comfort himself and tell himself that things are, truly, alright. Realising that these emotions are based on irrationality, on destructiveness, on a negative thing that can only create more negativity, the happy person can step back and, even when in the midst of such negative thought, act in a sensitive and happy way. When hurting, the happy person will still act with compassion and sensitivity and mindfulness in his actions and words.

Now, this isn't easy. I never promised it was, and I don't believe any person, regardless of holiness, will tell anyone how easy it is to attain happiness. But happiness is worth it, for we all suffer enough from our own negative emotions, and we all have the potential to make others suffer because of our insensitivity, our mindlessness, and our unethical selfishness. We are all human, and we all suffer, and, because of this connection, we all must be compassionate, for why add to all our suffering?

Reflections on Nothing

Nothing. There really isn't anything to reflect this morning. I woke up feeling fine. I had thoughts of loneliness, or, perhaps it was a tinge of sadness, but it bounced off me like a racquetball off a wall, or a cork hit in water. I couldn't really explain what the feelings were, other than they dissipated rather quickly.

After a small while, which consisted of making breakfast, I think I knew what it was. I was concerned about two of my friends this morning. Both of them are going through so much stress right now, and I worry about them. Well, worry isn't the right word, but it will have to do. Alack, however, I can't do anything more than what I'm doing, so I won't worry. But in my heart, I'm wishing them the best with their struggles, and I know that they have the strength to persevere through this challenge.

But me? I feel still, which is an odd feeling. But I also feel happy in that particular lonely way, which is also an odd feeling. My feelings are just kind of odd, today. It'll be interesting to see how my reflections and meditations end up.